I started writing this last night, and "Breakdown" is a very apt title, as blogger.com did in fact seem to do that as I was trying to publish this. I hope it's not a regular feature of their service.
Anyhow, as I was saying. The breakdown title in fact refers to my lack of willpower. Less than a week after finally informing my parents, I broke down and bought a bridal magazine. (You can see the cover below, I'll give you my rating of it later). I really wanted to buy one, even though as I've stated before, I really don't want the hoopla of a big wedding. But it was like there was some power over me, drawing me to the section of magazines with white dresses on the covers, willing me to buy one. By the way, it's amazing how many bridal magazines are out there. How can they sell so many on a regular basis? Who buys these? I suppose a nervous bride (they are definitely targeted at the bride, not the groom!) would probably buy a stack. I bought one, and felt deliciously guilty buying just that. G just rolled his eyes at me and told me to get one, as I obviously looked like a kid locked out of the candy store, staring up at them.
The draw I felt to buy one reminded me of a similar feeling I used to get when I was dating. I would meet some guy, have a couple great dates with him and feel giddy about him. You know, that initial rush of attraction. If I had too much time on my hands after one of these dates, I found my mind wandering, thinking about our future life together, whether we'd have a boy or a girl first, how my first name would sound with his last name... and then I would pull myself back to reality, hating myself for getting carried away with things that I truly (I swear to you) did not want or expect. Honestly, I've never wanted to change my last name, it's so cool and most guy's last names don't measure up, but I still would daydream about it. It was like the hormones in my body were pressuring me to make whoever the poor guy was my mate, whether my conscious mind wanted to or not. I felt the same feeling when I went to buy the bridal magazine, something my conscious mind didn't want to do, but still wanting it. But at least buying a magazine is something considered fairly normal. I'm sure the boys and men I dated would have ran off in a panic if they had an idea of what coursed through my mind so early in the dating sometimes.